3 Reasons Why You Should Have A Motherhood To-Don’t List (and What Mine Currently Looks Like!)
Some people operate well with a regular to-do list.
I don’t.
I mean, I can.
Sometimes I find them pretty helpful.
But I don’t use them religiously or strictly. Not a concrete one at least. I’m not a bullet journal user. I don’t utilize my iPhone’s reminders features. I rather like the flexibility and freedom of following general weekly rhythms and taking life as it comes. We’re eclectic relaxed homeschoolers with a little bit of an unschooly lilt, after all. It’s kind of our thing.
There are cons to this, I know.
Like the time I recently forgot to bring a meal to a friend I signed up for…twice — talk about an EPIC FAIL. 3rd time’s a charm though, and I will be making it up tomorrow with the most excessively celebratory “happy month old baby” meal ever. Boy am I grateful for gracious friends, let me tell you! It’s a good thing they forgot the second time too! And it’s just always good for me to have intermittent humbling experiences!
Isolated meal delivery complete flop aside though, generally I identify as a fairly high-capacity person, and so most of the time (but clearly not always) not having a strict to-do list works.
In seasons or on days where the number of spinning plates gets too high, I do sometimes jot down the day’s to-do’s.
Usually it’s a scrap of paper on my kitchen table. Or a free-form list typed into my phone’s notes app. In the case of my recent meal delivery flop, it was 7 reminders set in my phone to make sure there was no possible way it could be missed for a 3rd time.
And…I’m starting to realize that while I can sometimes dislike the structure and routine of a consistent to-do list system, my kids have a higher desire for more explicitly stated plans and daily schedules – their to-do list, if you will. So I’m trying to grow in this area.
A Motherhood To-Don’t List
To-Don’t lists on the other hand, I use often.
I would suggest you should utilize a To-Don’t list as well.
You can totally use a To-Don’t list alongside your daily to-do’s, if that is your preferred means of organization. To-Don’t lists cover big picture, values-based issues rather than schedule or organization items, so it’s not doing double duty.
Instead, you’ll find that your To-Don’t list will help inform and influence what you put on your to-do list in a more strategic and intentional way.
Here are 3 reasons why you should consider using a To-Don’t list.
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A Motherhood To-Don’t list helps you hone in your vision for a particular area or season in life.
Not all of life’s seasons looks the same.
Sometimes you need to focus/refocus in different ways.
One of my favorite sayings when it comes to life & priorities is Oswald Chamber’s quote from My Utmost for His Highest, “The good is always the enemy of the best.” This is profound and it’s also just always rang true in my life.
There is plenty of “good” stuff that is easy to get caught up in. But ultimately, I need to be asking myself if the “good” is distracting and detracting from the “best.” To-Don’t lists can help put aside the good that can be the enemy of the best in whatever season you are in.
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A Motherhood To-Don’t list helps you establish boundary lines in all ways – practically, emotionally, psychologically.
Boundaries are hard.
Explicitly stating your To-Don’ts or “will nots” is helpful in any area.
Overscheduled kids. Dealing with difficult people. Unnecessary emotional stress on yourself to be the “perfect” mom (hint: don’t worry, she doesn’t exist).
Drawing boundary lines helps create separation from that which is toxic in your life and allows you to be more alive. These are some GREAT books on boundaries, btw, if this is an area that you find particularly challenging. I totally recommend them:
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A Motherhood To-Don’t list allows you to challenge the subconscious mental life stress of trying to do it all.
Just acknowledging, “I’m not going to do it all,” is a step in the right direction.
It’s waging war against our culture that says, “Do it all. Be it all. Have it all. Make all people like you.”
Being perfect is impossible. We each have unique struggles, vices, talents, and abilities that we bring to the world. When we go through life with a long-term view of growth and sanctification, it’s ok to embrace who we are and who we are not in this particular season.
I will never be the chef who blesses others with amazing homemade meals, and I embrace that. Costco and Trader Joe’s ready-to-go offerings are what gets served with my hospitality, and THAT’S OK.
Releasing who I am NOT allows me to more freely engage who I AM and offer that to others. Acknowledging areas where I may be broken or struggling allows me to actually engage those areas and grow in them instead of feeling like I’ve got to have it “all together.”
Now that I’ve shared 3 big picture reasons why you should consider making a Motherhood To-Don’t list, here is an actual example of my current Motherhood To-Don’t lists.
This To-Don’t list is actively in play in my current season of mothering young children and homeschooling.
Because this post would quickly get convoluted if I went into each one of these To-Don’ts here, over the coming months, I will be writing additional posts about each of them, so be sure to come on back and check them out as the links get added!
My Motherhood To-Don’t List
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DON’T…let your child’s behavior write your identity
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DON’T…underestimate the value of mom friends
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DON’T…solve all your kids’ problems
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DON’T…wait to travel with your kids until they are older
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DON’T…be afraid to let your kid experience failure
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DON’T…worry about mess or messy moments
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DON’T…underestimate your kids’ abilities to serve the needs of people around them with incredible compassion and creativity
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DON’T…deny the stage of mothering you are in
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DON’T…pray anemic prayers for your kids
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DON’T…compare (kids, decor, homeschooling, personality — all of it)
These To-Don’ts represent my values, my heart convictions, boundary lines that I have drawn, and my own stance of pushing back on certain cultural norms.
The list may change over time.
In fact, I actually hope and expect that it will as my kids and I grow and change.
Have you ever made a To-Don’t list before?
If you were to make one, what would be one To-Don’t that you would include?
And how would your to-do list be affected by this To-Don’t?
I love this. I needed that Chambers quote today!!
Author
Yay! I’m so glad. I need to remind myself of it often!!
Oh, this is great! I couldn’t function without my planner and to-do lists, but “to-don’t” lists as you talk about here, are just as important if not more. I may have to add a couple of the ones you have to one of my own. Especially the one about not worrying about messes! I know I’ll miss it all one day. Great post.
Author
Thanks! So glad you found it helpful! I think it’s going to be helpful for me to write a post about each of them too! Putting to paper the things of the heart…
These are such great tips! Def sharing with all my mom friends
Author
So glad you find it helpful!! It has been in my life! Thanks for sharing!
Well, don’t have kids so …but that seems a good approach. It can also be applied to anything in life.
Author
Totally true!! Sifting and prioritizing and setting boundaries are always helpful!!
I am sometimes in need of Don’t #6. I would also add to mine Don’t let my kids moods determine my behavior.
Author
Oooh that’s also a good one!!! And SO important! ❤️ (I actually had like 13 of them, but whittled it down to the 10 I wanted to share this time 😂)
Goodness me, why have I never thought of a To-Don’t list? You my friend are a genius!
Author
Maybe it’s just my inner rebel coming out? 😉 that must be where my strong-willed child gets it from 😂
I LOVE this! I need to make a To Don’t list, because I always try to do everything and be everything and then beat up on myself emotionally if I don’t accomplish everything I think I should. Great advice.
Author
Yes!! Do it! Totally worth trying, even if just to see how it brings clarity to your To-Do’s!
wow I never thought of this!
Author
Thanks for stopping by to check it out. Would love it if you passed it on to someone who could use it! 😃❤️
I can relate to this one! I have teens and it is hard sometimes not to absorb the bad attitude they project. I am learning to let go and have them mess up so that they can learn. Doing everything for them doesn’t help in the long run.
Author
So true! I can only imagine this gets harder as they get older and the mistakes have bigger impact! Hopefully I’m learning to find that balance now in their younger years, I guess. 😊 Thanks for stopping by! Would love it if you shared this with someone who might be blessed/enriched by it! 😃❤️
It’s hard to not try and be a “perfect” parent.We all want our kids to be the smartest, kindest most whole person possible. But there’s no 100% they’ll meet our expectations. We just need to hope that they’ll be happy and healthy and we’ll try our best with the rest.
Love this!
What a great idea! I don’t have children, but could use a to don’t list to help me stay focused in life.
Author
Totally! Right?! I obviously am and write for moms, but to-don’t lists are good for anyone!! 😃
I think this can be put into effect by any individual! I love the to-don’t concept and I will be making my own hehe
Such a great idea for any mom out there. Loving the concept
Author
Thanks Paula! I totally did your domain name, btw! 😃
I’ve seen so many moms getting into kids fight and I’ve always appreciate that my mom wanted me to solve them on my own.
Author
It can be a tough balance! I’m still figuring out which problems they need help solving and when to stay out of it!
Whoa, lots of wisdom in this. I really enjoyed your post. Very relatable. I love lists, and make to-do lists all the time, but I could use some to-dont’s as well!
Author
Thanks Natalie!! Hopefully not relatable in that you also forgot to deliver a new mom meal…😂 glad you enjoyed it!
This is so interesting! I’ve never heard of a mother to-don’t list. I’ll have to keep this in mind when I have kids in the future.
Author
Great! The general concept is really applicable to anyone too! 😊
I have not written a to dont list before but i am on board with this idea!
Author
Awesome! Give it a try and let me know what you come up with! 😃
I’ve never really thought about making a to don’t list but this sounds so much better than a to do list!
Author
I’ve found that when I’ve clarified some of my most important to-don’ts, making my to-do’s becomes easier! 😃 thanks for stopping by! I’d love it if you’d share this idea with someone else who you think would benefit! ❤️
Why have I never thought of a to-don’t list?!?! What a fab way to live! I’m so inspired by your list of to-don’ts, I’m off to make my own 👌🏼
Author
Love this! Woo hoo! If you’re brave, I’d love to know what is striking you in the process! 😉😃
This is the first time I have seen this!! I have so many gal pals who thrive with listing and with little ones coming soon this would help them out tremendously!
Author
Would LOVE it if you would share it with anyone you think would benefit!! Thanks for the encouraging words!
I’m all about the to do lists, they’re how I survive day to day. But I have never heard or thought of a to don’t list, what an interesting concept.
As a teacher, I totally agree with don’t solve all your child’s problems. They must learn how to problem solve when learning and when interacting with their peers.
Love the twist on this post. Love your To Don’ts at the end. Thanks for sharing.
This is marvelous! I think everyone needs this! Developing boundaries and being comfortable with saying no is so important for our well-being. Thank you for the wonderful idea! ♡
Amy, this is SO good. I’m not a mom yet, but I can see how this idea could make such a difference in any season of life! I love the way this encourages intentional living!
I am such a to-do list person. Most of the time if I don’t have it on my list, I don’t do it. However, I get what you’re saying about a to-don’t list. Great idea!
Love all of this. Especially #4.
I love this! Such a great idea and very important! Thanks for the tips!
I love your motherhood to-don’t list (and the concept itself). It’s really easy to get caught up in all of the things we should be doing that it’s easy to forget the things we can let go. Thank you for sharing!
Author
Thanks!! Ugh. The should-be-doings are so needlessly oppressive, yet I wrestle with them too! It’s so hard!
Great post even for non mothers. We can all use these tips to create ourselves a to-don’t list.
Author
totally true!!
So true! I find with kids nothing works out the way we plan, even if we do plan it😂😂😂
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Story of my life. 🙂
I’m a HUGE to-do list maker! But I’ve never heard of a to-don’t list and I love this idea so much!! Really is a great idea to try to stick to your values or things you want to focus on during a season of life!
Bookmarked for later in life. Thanks 💗
This is so great! I’ve never thought to make a to don’t list before. I need everything on your list!
I so so so appreciate this list of to-don’t s. After reading the book Boundaries, I found there were so many things that I could let define me as a mom, wife a person that were not mine to carry or claim. So thank you!
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I’m so glad it struck a chord! I’d love it if you’d share it with others you also think would benefit! <3
I love your To Don’t list. I need to do something like it. I learned early on not to compare!
Helly Amy!
I came across your blog by chance. And even though I am years away from becoming a mother, I really enjoyed reading this. To do lists work very well for me – in fact, I can’t do without them! I’ll definitely try and make a to don’t list too. 🙂
Love,
Claudia
http://thatsmeonline.net
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To-Don’t lists can be helpful for anyone, not just mothers, so I’m glad you came across my post. 🙂
Such a great idea to have a list. My #1 mother don’t list item is to not lose any of my children lol
Author
😀 Oh I’m right there with you!
This is great! We focus so much on to dos and what we have to get done! sometimes we need to just not do it all!
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It’s so true! But choosing what not to do is important!
Yes! What a great idea! A to DONT list… I need this. A to-do list can feel so rigid and linear. However a to DONT list is open ended and leaves room to improve the state of, not only your day, but your life too.
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Yes, exactly! Hopefully it helps! 😃👍🏻❤️
I love your To Don’t List! Such great advice for all parents. I especially like “Don’t compare.” We have three grandkids that are 16 months apart and their parents are always comparing milestones. Only the youngest of the three is potty-trained and that’s a source of worry for the other two.
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Thanks Tracy! Not comparing is such a challenge in motherhood (or any phase of life, really), but joy thrives so much more without it! ❤️ Happy grandparenting!! 😃
What an excellent idea! It is so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and this helps with that. Thank you!